Here comes my most embarrassing moment

   Weddings are meant to be a very romantic time,  a time to celebrate love and commit to sharing a lifetime together.  It isn’t the time to have one of the most embarrassing moments in your life but, darn!  that is exactly what happened to me.

Years ago I was invited to a family wedding in Stockton California and  I live in Southern California so this was quite a distance to drive.  I was the only relative from the Southern California area to RSVP,  Yes  to the wedding,  so I along with  my 2 daughters who were age 9 and 13 at the time,  we made plans to attend the wedding.

A few days before the wedding I came down with a terrible stomach flu that almost caused me to cancell our plans for the wedding.  But when the mother of the bride called me and asked me to come the day before the wedding to help out,  and the fact that my daughters were so  excited to be going to their first wedding,  I couldn’t cancel or say no to the request of my Aunt. 

So early in the morning on the day before the wedding we packed our stuff into my high-top Mommy van and hit the road.  We stopped a few times on the way to do the usual road trip things like bathroom breaks and buying drinks and munchies. 

 I still wasn’t feeling well,  my stomach was gurgling and I had this foul taste in my mouth, and I was afraid to speak too close to anyone because I feared that my breath was awful.  All I could manage to swallow was water.

After driving all day we finally made it to my Aunts house in Lodi  (yes, the song  “Stuck in Lodi again”  was running through my brain the whole trip)  I was really tired from not only keeping a huge van on the road but from being sick also.  My daughters though it was quite funny to see how flat my butt was from driving all day.

The morning of the wedding arrives and I discover in my haste to pack I forgot to pack any panties.  It Comes time to take a shower and I don’t have any clean panties to put on,  decisions, decisions what was I to do?     put on dirty panties?    or go commando?   (ready for action)  no panties.  I won’t even say what I did,  you’ll just have guess. 

So after taking a shower and trying to eat a few bites I now have plans for a shopping expedition to buy some missing undergarments.   And let me tell you,  shopping in beautiful Lodi is an adventure!  I encountered all kinds of weirdness,  if you have never been to Lodi, you might not want put it on your bucket list.

While we were shopping I took my daughters to a salon to have their hair done so they could feel like little princess’s.  And then off we went to help with setting up for the wedding.

While helping to set up my stomach was still having it’s issues, the gurgling was almost non stop at this point and the smell of my own breath was hard for me to deal with,  all I could do was keep drinking water and hope for the best.

A few hours later and it’s time to drive to the wedding which was miles away in Stockton.  I was awestruck when we came to the chapel it was everything that a chapel should be.  A beautiful rose garden to walk past on the way to the chapel,  the late afternoon light was perfect, the birds were singing and everyone  was dressed in their finest clothes with huge smiles on their glowing faces.

I was told that the chapel was over a hundred years old and it was quite an amazing sight to behold.  Thick walls and massive bench seats that were inches thick, that had been honed out of mighty redwood trees.

  My daughters felt very special as they were being escorted by the groomsmen to their seats.  We all sat there taking in the sight of stained glass windows glowing,  flickering candles, the aroma of flowers and gentle murmur of the guests waiting for the lovely wedding ceremony to  begin.

Then in the mist of all this loveliness my youngest daughter decides to makes one of her famous childhood embarrassing remarks. “So…this is what the inside of a church looks like”     OMG!   now I feel like a total  heathen and I feel myself sliding a little lower in my seat as the couple next to us gave me a dirty look.

Finally the long awaited ceremony begins.  And as weddings go it was a very wonderful ceremony till….. just at the quietest moment in the service is taking place, so quiet you could have heard a pin drop,  My stomach decides to make the most horrendous sound that it has ever made before.

  The sound my stomach made was amplified times ten and vibrated off those massively thick benches so much that it sounded like I passed gas…  Even my daughters were convinced that I had just passed gas.  My youngest daughter giggled and my oldest daughter elbowed me and said “Mother” in a disgusted tone. 

I plead not guilty of the crime of passing gas in the church.    I said ” it was my stomach but no one believed me.  Not even my daughters…

 The couple to the right of us made a gasping sound and moved farther to the right to get as far away from me as they could. 

  Then I heard a female voice behind us saying  That… was NO stomach”  and then to make matters worse,  I kid you not…her male companion started sniffing the air like a dog in search of a scent.    OMG!!   It was so hard for me to stay in my seat and not get up and run out of that chapel from embarrassment.  I sat there slowly dying and praying that the ceremony would end soon.

I  hesitated for years about telling this story, especially in the days I was working in Hollywood.  I was afraid my true life adventure would end up being in a sit com.

Now that I have told one of my most embarrassing stories, tell me one of yours!


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